Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishesare mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle ofmy plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me tothe bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall fasterthan you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogsand cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary tosleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out theother end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracleI beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw,whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try topull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance isnot required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. Icannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our frontdoor:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who isshort, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train (except: Terriers and Shih Tsu's )

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children